So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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