I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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