Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
