just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
