Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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