she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
