so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize