and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he puts the penis in happiness.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
