this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
