My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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