You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
