i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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