well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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