In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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