My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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