Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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