Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
