ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
