Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
