so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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