glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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