I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
