conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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