why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i think i just lost a toe
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
