I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
