so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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