party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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