I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
