He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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