dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
