Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
