i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
