When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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