Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
