Im at strip club and am horny
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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