I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
