Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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