just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
