did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
