I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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