I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
