Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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