He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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