i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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