How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
