If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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