Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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