Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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