Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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