my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Randomize
