Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
