we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
