Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
