This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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