I just threw up on my dentist
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
