And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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