I just made out with a guy for $7.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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