i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
