i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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