You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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