well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
