Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
