I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize